Remembering 9/11

I was sitting my third period music class listening to classical music when the programming was interrupted to say the World Trade Center had been hit by a plane. The teacher and all of us students were confused by the announcement. And then some of us realized our friend's mom worked in the towers. A few of us started staring at Hannah when she took out her cell phone hoping to reach her mom. But she couldn't because all circuits were busy. 

As I walked to the next class, everyone started comforting Hannah while trying to understand what just happened. And then second plane hit. Hannah was able to get in touch with her mom when we finally reached our Classical Greek class. She made it out ok. Those of us that had phones or beepers started getting messages and there was a calm panic all around. We were finally allowed to go home a few minutes after fourth period started. I remember going to Stefani's home with Zuhair and watching the news unfold on tv. I was shaking and had chills as I watched the towers fall. The three of us sat there with tears in eyes and were stunned by the images in front of us. Not knowing what else to do, I went home. 

That was also the first and only day my mom had to walk from Manhattan into Queens. She worked in midtown but she could see the dark sky and smell the burning towers. She walked from 49th and Madison to the Queensboro bridge and walked over the river with countless other New Yorkers. Once she made it to Queens, a kind man gave her a ride to her brother's home and that is where she heard his story. My uncle worked in lower Manhattan. He saw it happen. He was covered in ash. I remember my mom and him coming together as one that day as they shared their stories. 

It is a day I will never forget and one I never want to forget because it is important to honor the lives of those we lost. A wall in the 9/11 memorial says it best through a quote by Virgil, "No day shall erase you from the memory of time."

Welcoming The Fall

As I sit here in Charleston enjoying a relaxing weekend, I cant help but be amazed by the fact that September 1st is here. I am looking forward for my favorite season of the year to start but also can't help but wonder, where did the past three months go? My 21-hour journey back to the States from Cambodia, Christina and Nick’s beautiful wedding on June 1 and coming home to Jacksonville, all feel like they happened yesterday.

June was all about processing how I felt. Setting up the house was a therapeutic experience because it helped restart my life. I really tried to sit down everyday and write a memory from my experience abroad, the unique stories that were special to me. I’m proud of myself but I do have to make a conscious effort to remember the lessons I learned. 

July and August were filled with all things TEDxJacksonville. Getting reacquainted and getting our speakers and performers lined up. The team is comprised of amazing individuals. Every time I am around them, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be part of such a great group and and how amazing it is to be able to inspire people through the work we do.

July was all also about networking. Getting myself out there and meeting people I admire and respect in hopes of finding guidance on what I should be doing in Jacksonville. The most enlightening part of this experience was everyone’s kindness. A lot of time women say women are the most difficult to work with but that was not the case for me. I can’t begin to thank all the amazing women that were a part of this process. They took time out to meet with me, to introduce me to one another and to guide me. I came out of the experience with a newfound sense of confidence because of their faith and trust in me.

Because of these meetings, I have been given a few contracts that will keep me intellectually stimulated while allowing me to figure out which career track is best for me.  From this process, I have learned when you really stop to feel and listen, you realize you can actually define what is most important to you professionally and how to acquire it.

I am one lucky girl. I know I have a lot more to accomplish and I cant wait to start ticking off many more things and am glad to be taking it in as it comes. 

Laos: Laung Prabang

Sabaidee

Sorry it has taken me so long to document my trip to Luang Prabang. I connected with that city in a really unique way and that led me to want to keep it to myself.  Now that I have been home for 2 months and going over my pictures and my notes, I think it is time to tell you about my trip to Luang Prabang.

A shuttle picked up Nikunj and I for our bus trip from Vang Vieng to Luang Prabang. A minute into the ride, we realized the bus company was actually only two blocks away from our hotel. Before you judge us for being lazy, I need to remind you about Pi Mai, Laotian New Year. Even though we were in the car, it did not stop the partygoers from spraying us non-stop. When we finally got to the bus, all 10 of us made a run for it because otherwise we were inviting people to drench us with water.

Our bus driver was young and eager to reach our destination as quickly as possible. He opted to take us through a newly opened road through the mountains rather than the traditional 7 hour journey around the mountains. The new road saved us about 3 hours. The constant uphill turns were a bit difficult for our minibus so each time we conquered a hill, we had to get out and let the engine cool down for a few minutes. This wasn’t so bad because the landscape around us was stunning every time.

We reached Luang Prabang around 7pm and headed straight to our hotel. Vangsavath was the perfect choice for us. Even though it wasn’t in the heart of the main strip, it was just the right distance away. They provided a free shuttle to and from the center, free bikes, free breakfast, unlimited tea and coffee and a beautiful zen garden that allowed us to relax whenever we wanted. The mother and son that ran the hotel were also extremely kind and hospitable. After they went over the map of the city with us, we got on the shuttle and headed straight to the local night market.

The night market is where you go to shop and to eat. There is one little side street that is filled with food stalls that appeal to both vegetarians and meat lovers. It is also ridiculously cheap. We grabbed some dinner and ate with tourists and locals on a communal table. It was a perfect way to end the day. We were tired from our earlier hike and wanted to decompress so after a quick walk through the market, we headed back.

We woke up the next morning and were sore all over. Man were we out of shape! We decided to take it easy and just enjoy the day so the plans for the day involved: breakfast and observing the New Year’s celebrations. Sleepy Luang Prabang is anything but quiet during this annual celebration. We saw people dancing and drinking on the street. The young and the old were rejoicing and celebrating the New Year.

We headed to the main square to watch the New Year's parade and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into! Just walking to the strip involved constant buckets of water and super soakers. We were attacked as soon as were arrived and it did not get easier each time more water came our way. We took shelter in a restaurant and observed the parade over lunch. The parade featured prominent locals, monks, Miss Luang Prabang and a lot of festive dancers. Once it was over, we had to brave the crowds again in order to head back to the hotel to change and dry up. I thought I was clever by putting on a poncho but an onlooker ripped it off and said I was cheating! We were so excited to find a taxi and escape the madness.

The next morning, we got up bright and early at 5 am to witness the morning alms ceremony. This is probably the one thing that comes up as the must do in Luang Prabang but for me it was my least favorite part. Everyone comes to see the monks and you could see that they don't actually enjoy the tourists and the cameras in their faces. The onlookers take away from the spiritual ritual. Even though I wasn't in their faces, I still felt guilty for being there. The whole thing only lasts about 15 minutes and thankfully ends quickly.




The best part about this morning was observing the city. It was so quiet and different from how we had seen it over the last 2 days. The UNESCO world heritage site was back to normal. Nikunj and I decided to take advantage of this and walked along the river. I fell in love. It was so beautiful and so peaceful. We went back to the hotel for breakfast and I couldn't get the streets out of my mind so while Nikunj napped, I took a bike and went back to town. I rode from the Mekong to the Nam Khan River and saw the locals getting ready to start their day by setting up their restaurants and shops.  I had read about the old French architecture but was now finally able to see it while witnessing the sunrise. It was a perfect morning.



Once I was done, I headed back and took a nap before our excursion to Kuang Si Falls. The base of the falls was filthy and overcrowded. We instantly regretted our decision and could not understand why the locals would treat a local treasure this way. We decided to hike up in hopes of a better view and cleaner surroundings and I'm so glad that we did. It was a huge difference. We sat at the edge and enjoyed the sounds of the water crashing down. It was such a calming experience.

                                                               

Since we barely had a chance explore the town, we used the next day to do just that. We walked from one end to the tip of the peninsula. During the walk, a postcard outside a coffee shop caught my eye.  The cafe was called Big Tree Cafe and it featured Adri Berger's work. I was so engrossed by his portraits. He actually sat down and explained a lot of it to us which just made the experience a whole lot better.  He had been in Laos for over 7 years and explored most of the country by boat. His shots captured a lot of the local tribes and their customs. Seeing his work made me want to come back to Laos and explore the mountains because it was all so different from anything we had seen on our trip. I didn't buy any of  the portraits but hope to be able to afford one some day soon. I did get a postcard for my postcard wall :)

At the tip of the peninsula, we saw a local fisherman in action. It was such a different fishing experience! He was throwing a net in and pulling it back. So simple but so effective. I was lucky enough to capture him in action.  Next, we visited Xieng Thong temple. It was unlike any other temple I had ever seen. The designs on the exterior walls were really unique and very colorful. 

After that we walked to Tamarind for lunch and lucky for us it was finally open. We had been trying to eat here since we arrived but it was closed for the holidays. The restaurant came highly recommended and after our absolutely delicious lunch, we understood why. I had stuffed chicken with lemongrass accompanied by brown sticky rice and lime juice. It was so tender and flavorful. You need to slowly peel the lemongrass in order to get the chicken out. Nikunj had another one of their popular dishes, papaya salad. It was such a treat. The view didn't hurt either, the restaurant overlooks Nam Khon River.




We decided to keep treating ourselves and got massages next. I don't know if it was brave or stupid on our part to request a traditional massage. Oh my god does it hurt. Each sore spot felt so much worse when they "massage" it. But my body did feel great afterwards. The amount of things that cracked were kind of scary but my pain did disappear for a few days. Since we could barely walk afterwards, we headed back to the hotel for a nap. Vacations are the best specifically because of naps!


In the evening we visited Phu Si, a hill in the middle of the city that houses a temple on top. It has 360 panoramic views of the city and the surrounding mountains. Unfortunately, it was pretty cloudy when we went but the views were still beautiful. I can't imagine how they could get any better. We spent a good hour just staring and admiring the view.

Our last day in Luang Prabang was spent on a boat. We signed up for a three hour boat ride on the Mekong. This is where the pitfalls of traveling in Asia came in to play. Our boat stopped working twice, once on the way to Pak Ou Caves and once on the way back to Luang Prabang. There was absolutely nothing we could do about it. The driver would bang a hammer on the engine in hopes of making it start. We had to wait for other boat drivers to help us and it was really scary to be at the mercy of others. To add to the stress, our flight back to Vientiane was later in the evening so we kept thinking we would miss our flight. In the end it all worked out and it served as a reminder that when in Asia, you just need to go with the flow.

Pak Ou Caves house thousands of Buddha statues from the 16th century til now. They alone aren't worth the boat trip but the landscape makes it worthwhile. We saw elephants, local tribes and lots of fishermen out on the river. It was a very relaxing experience. A lot of people opt to take a boat ride on the Mekong for 2-3 days to really explore the local towns.

I realized that this was the first time in a while I spent 5 full days in a city and it still didn't feel like enough. There is something mystical about the mountains of Laos and I can't wait to go back and see more. 

Redefining my Identity

Even though I have been home for seven weeks now, there still seem to be plenty of people to meet and catch up with. I met one such person last week at a local night market that started while I was in Cambodia. He seemed to be pretty progressive and was all about revitalizing downtown. He was even wearing an equality sticker. This guy asked Asghar what he does and after hearing Asghar’s response, he asked me if “I was a lawyer’s wife”. I know he had no ill intentions but I was fuming because his words triggered my insecurities.

When I first moved to Jacksonville, it was extremely important for me to form an identity that does not revolve around my husband. I worked very hard to maintain it but leaving for Cambodia changed that. As soon as I got back, I was back to being just a wife. At least in my mind. 

I bring this story up because my identity has been something I have been struggling with the last few weeks.  I have been spending money without the same discipline I had in Cambodia and feeling guilty about it. I have been earning a paycheck since I was 15 years old and always worked for what I wanted. This is the first time in my life that I have not worked. In Phnom Penh, I wrote down every single one of my expenses in order to stay on track and to keep a record of how much I needed to make ends meet. And now, I am using my husband’s credit card to buy curtains for the house or lunch for myself. I have had friends call me out and say "you are taking this house wife thing too far" or "we need to find you a job because I don't recognize you anymore."

Coming home to no job but a full time volunteer position and a new a house has kept me occupied. I have been busy with projects for the house while having constant meetings for TEDxJacksonville. And I now know that I am much more than just a wife but it does get hard to remember that when you're only accomplishment in a day is setting up a closet at home.

It’s strange to say but this new chapter has been a huge learning experience. I’ve learned that breaks can be a good thing. I actually have the luxury to figure out what I want to do without rushing into something I know I will hate. And I have finally learned that it is ok to depend on your husband financially. The independent woman in me always fought to share the expenses and now I can’t even if I wanted to. It has been a humbling journey and one that has enabled me to be honest with myself.

I needed the break. I needed the time to process everything I saw and felt while I was away. I didn’t want to rush from one experience to the next because I want my last experience to influence whatever comes next.

The Impact of Sound

Another week has gone by and I have started to think less deliberately about Cambodia. Now it just hits me at random times when an experience makes me think of parallels from my time in Asia.

Walking is not as common in Jacksonville as I would like, mainly because the city is a large sprawl. However, I decided to walk to a meeting yesterday afternoon because the venue was literally 5 minutes away. Once I started my walk, I realized why most people don’t do it during the day- it is always TOO HOT. Walking in the heat immediately took me back to Cambodia and my daily lunch walks or walks to the market on weekends. Except there they involved a lot of vendors calling at you and you could never walk in peace and quiet. TUK TUK and MOTO became two words I hated hearing because there was just no rhyme or reason behind them. You could literally just get off a tuk tuk and another driver would call at you. This was a common complaint from expats because those of us that are used to saying no thank you had to keep stopping once or twice a minute to say Aw Tay (No Thank you in Khmer).

So now walking in silence in Jacksonville was so strange. I didn’t feel normal. I was craving to hear a honk or a scream or something. And then I felt crazy for wanting sounds we would label as obnoxious. This weird conundrum let me to hastily enter the wrong shop. I ended up in a vapor shop instead of a coffee shop.

This morning at breakfast, the theme of sound came back.  There was a large family with two young children. One of these kids was screaming for fun at 9am. I think most patrons wanted  the parents to do something about this but I loved it. It added “character” for me.

I never thought something as simple as sound would be a part of readjusting back to my life here but I guess you just never know what element is going to stick with you.

What it is Like to be Home

I have been home for three weeks now and it has felt like a roller coaster of emotions. I spent my first week in New York. The first few days were with family and I spent most of those eating, sleeping and recovering from a cold. The reminder of the week was all about helping Christina have the best wedding she could possibly have. It was so much fun watching one of my closest friends get married. There was laughter, there were tears and there was lots of hugging. There was an open bar and a ton of food, including a caviar station. There wasn’t much time to think. And I’m glad there wasn’t because I don’t think I would have known how to process anything around me.

I went from basic to luxury in a matter of days and my mind was perplexed.

After a few days of celebrations with Christina and Nick, Asghar and I headed to Jacksonville together the following Monday. I had seen our home before I left but it felt so foreign to me when I first stepped inside. I didn’t know how to connect with it. I felt overwhelmed and spoiled. Asghar went straight back to work and I spent my days inside our house, my nights catching up with friends over dinners. I didn’t leave the bedroom the first day because I didn’t know what to tackle first and staying in bed seemed like the best option.  Since all my clothes were in boxes, I was dressing out of Asghar’s closet.  Finally, I built up the courage to start working to make this house into our home. And now, after 12 days, it feels like ours.

We put so much time and energy into it this past weekend and that made the world of difference for me and my emotions. WE. Yes, I had been doing things here and there and seeing all the people that I love but something was missing. I felt different and didn't know how to reassume my old life without feeling guilty for all that I have. But when Asghar and I started working together, something just clicked. I remembered how hard we worked to get here. How we have always pushed to achieve our goals. None of which warrants any guilt. And so I have made my peace and look forward to the next opportunity that will allow me to give back to my home, the city of Jacksonville.  

The biggest challenge for me has been my response to the never ending question, “how was your trip?” My instinctive response is always to say it wasn’t a trip, I lived there so you have to be a bit more specific. But I realize that is a mean answer so I usually say, “It was wonderful and life changing.” If someone wants to know more, they can ask but most do not.

I don’t want to forget my experience and I don’t want to talk about it like I was there for charity. I want to carry it with me when I am thinking about how I speak with others and how to spend our money. And most importantly, by remembering there is a whole world out there and my life is one of privileges and freedom that I can’t take for granted.

Saying Goodbye to Cambodia

I have started to think about what I have accomplished and experienced in the past 6 months and the people I have met along the way. What an amazing journey it has been for me!  Today is my last day at work and tomorrow is my last day in Cambodia.

I'd like to introduce you to some of the amazing people that helped shape my time in Cambodia. They enhanced my journey by sharing their stories and personalities with me. They turned what might have been awful experiences into a meaningful memory. They inspired me to grow and showed me how much more there is to learn in this world.

Anjana

Anjana is from Nepal but currently living in the United States. She is one of the kindest people I know. I met her on my first day at work and knowing I didn’t have a place of my own yet, without hesitation she allowed me to stay with her until I could find an apartment. It was wonderful to discover Phnom Penh together during her last few weeks here. I am glad I was able to show her another side of the city.

Jenny

Jenny was born in Sri Lanka and raised in Germany. She was my first ever roommate. I loved coming home to her everyday because it was always so much fun chatting with her about our work and the cultural differences we faced every day. She became my family.

Nikunj

Nikunj is also from Nepal but has lived all over the world and I am many envious of her many passport stamps. We met through Anjana and bonded quickly over our long distance relationships and love for travel. She recently moved back to Nepal but had been living in Cambodia for one year while working for an asset management firm. It was lovely to meet a smart young married woman pursuing her career while also maintaining a long distance relationship with her husband.

Jessica

Jessica is a young and motivated Australian. She is my neighbor at work and makes me laugh every day. She is really passionate about international development and loves food. You hear her say things like, “I can’t be bothered being hungry.” I mean how could you not love her? She also asks a lot of meaningful questions that most 23 year olds don’t ask. She is going places.

Ra

Ra is a recent Cambodian college graduate. Jessica, Ra and I spend a lot of our downtime at work chatting about local affairs.  He has also served as a cultural guide for us, always explaining local customs and traditions.  I have great hopes for Ra because of how dedicated he is to Cambodia. He genuinely wants to change the country for the better and I know he will.

I will miss them and my life here but having said that I am ready to start the next chapter. I feel so lucky to have seen all that I have seen and felt all that I have felt. When I look back to my first week, I remember feeling anxious, depressed and confused. I am now leaving feeling hopeful, excited and grateful.

This experience has allowed me:

1. To be comfortable with truly being alone. Friends and family are always available but sometimes the time difference requires you to face challenges and emotions alone and that has been an extraordinary experience.
2. To be able more comfortable with, and even look forward to, spontaneity and happenstance.  As someone who loves lists, I think about planning ahead but I have learned that the future can't always be prepared for. You have to be able to go with the flow and the rhythm of those around you.
3. To be fiscally responsible. Writing down my daily expenses has really allowed me to see how little is needed to be happy and healthy
4. To learn so much about Southeast Asia. I had never experienced this part of the world before, and everyday here was an education. I will always remember its beauty and keep for it a special place in my heart.
5. To put myself out there. It is so easy to stay within your comfort zone but it is eye opening when you step out of it. You learn that a smile and hello go a long way.

I hope I remember these lessons once I am home because they have really allowed me to appreciate life for what it is and how to make the most of it.