Monday, March 9, 2020

My not so secret miscarriage

A little over a month ago, we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were expecting our second child. It is something we wanted but we were also really nervous about getting too excited. Today was our first sonogram appointment and there was no heartbeat. I can’t quite describe the feeling of waiting in the doctor’s office where there is always lots of joy, lots of little faces and lots of anxious expecting parents. After hearing the news, we both were first and foremost so grateful for our little guy, Raza. And then, we just didn’t know what to do or feel. There was grief, confusion, and pragmatism.

Decisions had to be made about how to close this chapter. The options are both invasive and painful. After being told I am going to miscarry, I had to decide whether I want a DNC or let my body end things naturally. 

Getting pregnant is such a rollercoaster for expecting mothers. I went from thinking about names and dreaming about our little family to having it all disappear in the blink of an eye. As physical changes come along with not so nice symptoms, we are discouraged from saying anything because of the high likelihood of miscarriages before 12 weeks. Miscarriages are common, in fact so much so that 1/3 of women miscarry.

However, nausea and exhaustion make it pretty apparent that something is up for anyone that is paying attention. I am a horrible liar and I also don’t see the point of hiding something like this from those closest to me. I did share the news with our loved ones because if I will be celebrating with them then I will also be leaning on them when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Women tend to be the emotional pillars for so many but it’s unfair to expect them to also carry the weight of their loss. I can’t imagine resuming my day to day without acknowledging my loss and the pain that accompanies it. So for now, I am going to take it a day at a time, be thankful for my family, and maybe one day build up the courage to try again.

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