Weddings with an Infant

My brother-in-law’s wedding reception was this past Saturday. As a result, we had a fun, jam-packed couple of days with family from the US, Canada and Pakistan. I am not going to lie; I had been a nervous wreck leading up to the festivities because of Raza. There were a lot of events to attend even when we only planned to attend the ones we absolutely had to!

My biggest concerns were germs, feedings and attire.

Raza turns seven weeks old on Wednesday. So naturally, him catching something from one of the many adults who can’t help but kiss him or grab his cheeks was a real concern. I had a whole plan of how I would gently tell people that it is flu season and we would rather be safe than sorry. I figured it was a little too invasive to flat out ask, “did you get your flu shot?” or “I know I haven’t seen you in years but have you picked up smoking?”

I did however, naively, believe that people would be accustomed to sanitizing their hands or offer to wash their hands first. Nope. Not the case. People just want him right away. And my hesitation to give him was sometimes received with sadness and other times with confusion, as if it was their  right. I found it really tough to navigate this. Part of it is my anxiety to ensure that I am doing all I can to protect my kid. And part of it is navigating culture norms like we didn’t do any of this with you guys and you all turned out fine so relax. Both are valid. So where do you draw the line?

Next feedings. I pumped in advance and had bottles ready for him. But no matter how much you plan, something always goes awry. We give him a bottle once or twice a week so he is adjusted for daycare. Well of course at the reception, he hated the bottle. But to be fair to him, we also had trouble sticking to his schedule. Hot water in a hotel is not as readily available as you may think! At one point, I just gave up and nursed him while getting my make-up done in a room full of strangers. Now that is something I never thought I would do but hey, your kid always comes first.

Now naturally, Raza had an adorable outfit lined up for each occasion. I, on the other hand, had to think about access for pumping and/or nursing and if my outfit would scratch my child while I held him and that made everything seem inappropriate. What South Asian outfit could I possibly wear that would allow me to nurse, be comfortable and also be part of the bridal party? My mom and I differed on the answer but found a middle ground. The bottom line is that it was all uncomfortable and I just had to roll with it and make it work.

Despite the challenges, it was wonderful to catch up with family and introduce everyone to our little guy. I definitely learned more about my boundaries. But I also learned a lot more about troubleshooting with an infant and am so glad we all survived.

Oh and the only reason we have a picture is because my mom insisted we take one and I'm glad she did because it is literally the only one of the three us from three events. 

The adorable outfit was swapped for jammies

Happiness & Relaxation

While I was pregnant, I tried to stay as active as possible up until Raza’s birth. People kept telling me to relax and that I was crazy for showing up to meetings and events. Their statements implied that I was showing up for others and didn’t need to exert myself in that way. But what they were failing to realize was that I was showing up for myself.

You see my happiness comes from my productivity. I feel at peace when I know I have done something to help my loved ones, to further issues I care about and completed my to do list at work and at home. While I enjoy my facials and massages, I’m not really sure my definition of relaxation is the same as the universal definition of relaxation. 

Needless to say, this hasn’t changed after having Raza.

I was emailing the day after having Raza and participating in a panel three weeks after his birth. Once again, I started hearing comments like “don’t worry about this, you should be home”, “you need to relax” and “enjoy time with your baby.” I know these statements come from a good place. But they  also imply that I am doing something wrong. Why am I expected to stop doing the things that I enjoy? If I can make it work, then let me. Women already have to navigate the loss of their social calendars and certain friendships as a result of becoming pregnant and a mom. And don't even get me started on the fact that this conversation isn't even an issue for dads.

Don’t get me wrong, I have days of zero energy. But if I feel good then I want to go about my day as I would have with or without a child and whether I am pregnant or not. In both instances, I listen to my body and my doctor first and foremost. If neither object, then I move forward.

I love spending time with Raza. When he is up, he has my undivided attention. But Raza also sleeps close to fourteen hours a day and feeds for three to four hours a day. That leaves plenty of time for me to actually do other things like check emails, attend meetings, make phone calls..you get the point. This is where keeping track of his schedule comes in very handy.

More importantly, it helps me find a balance between my new and old identities. Women already have to navigate hormones and changing bodies while they are trying to figure out how to raise a child. Outlets for intellectual stimulation are rare at this stage unless we make it a point to make this a priority. It is definitely a priority of mine.

We should stop assuming that there is one uniform approach to pregnancy or motherhood because there isn’t. No one should be made to feel like they aren’t doing enough or are a bad parent because they decide to spend time with someone or something other than their child. As always, each mama, each baby and each circumstance are different.

My new normal

As a first time parent, you end up doing things that you never thought you’d do. I am going to assume this is really the case for all parents and not just us newbies. These things vary in grossness and silliness. 

Singing. I know I can’t sing. But I know Raza likes music and when I sing to him. I also know I sound ridiculous singing Hakuna Matata but I do it for the smiles and nap time. So far, I’m the only lucky recipient of these smiles and I love it.

Speaking of sounds, you also discover the power of sounds. My kid can sleep through Timon and Pumbaa singing Hakuna Matata but he will wake up right away at the sound of my phone charger hitting the floor. What’s the difference? I have no idea! Every time Raza sleeps, you will find me intentionally not flushing the toilet and tippy toeing around him. If he happens to be in my arms while sleeping, I’ll grab things with my feet and stretch in ways I didn’t know I could.  Him sleeping is good for my sanity and I don’t care if I look ridiculous in the process.

Documentation. For starters, you have to document every time they go and feed the first few days in the hospital to ensure all is well with their digestive tract. We did this for about a week and then stopped because it was too cumbersome. But then at his one-month checkup his pediatrician asked how often Raza was eating, sleeping, pooping and I had no idea. With little sleep, you barely remember the time, let alone what happened two hours ago. And so now I use the Glow Baby app and document everything. I know it sounds like a lot but it’s actually really useful. I am starting to see his patterns. This helps immensely in planning my outings and meetings.

Then there is your comfort with pee and poop. You become very comfortable with the two. You will get peed on. How often will obviously depend on your baby's gender..we have had multiple times in one day. Have you ever heard of fluffing out a diaper? I hadn’t. And I had changed many diapers before! I discovered this after Raza peed on our friend while wearing a diaper. It turns out this is pretty common for newborns. You should always fluff out the diaper. Of course there are still accidents that happen after bath time or when you are changing their outfits. Like yesterday, he peed on my newly washed sheets while I was changing him on the bed. Rookie mistake. But you can’t always dress them on the changing table. What did I do? I used some wipes on both of us, spot treated the sheets and called it a day. It isn’t possible to give him a bath after each time or find the time for me to shower after every accident. Just like it isn’t possible to always sleep when the baby sleeps (worst advice ever).

You win some and you lose some. My new normal is just that, mine. Like each pregnancy, like each child: everyone is different. You have to stay calm and handle each situation with humor and patience. Babies can sense your stress and it only stresses them out so there is no point. Get plenty of cheek cuddles afterwards and everything will be alright.